


fire & gasoline

by simplyverstappen



Series: YouTube AU [4]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - YouTube, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Communication, Chaos, First Love, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Repressed Feelings, Rough Sex, So much angst, and they were ROOMMATES, but again I won't take criticism, god this is a mess, is there an ABBA theme in my fics? maybe, yeah i think that's it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:20:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23277001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplyverstappen/pseuds/simplyverstappen
Summary: When he said to Max Nico is an 'old friend' it hadn't really been a lie - they've been friends. A long time ago.or alternatively, Nico and Lewis have history and no one knows what happened exactly between them.
Relationships: Lewis Hamilton/Nico Rosberg
Series: YouTube AU [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1659859
Comments: 144
Kudos: 209





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [greeny1710](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greeny1710/gifts).



> dedicated to **Kai** ( _greeny1710/3303andmore_ ) for being one of the loveliest and kindest people I met here and who always answers all my questions about British universities so patiently (and even more than once because I’m an idiot sometimes)  
> You’re amazing and your support for this universe and my writing is absolutely amazing and I love you 💛
> 
> also to **Sam** who I just had to drop a message like “I need Brocedes pictures where they were 18-20, one preferably lock screen size” AND SHE DELIVERED like he fucking queen she is we stan and I love you so much💛
> 
> And to all of you who kept asking about those two idiots and this turned out a whole lot angstier than I thought it would be but it’s Lewis and Nico, so, honestly, what did you expect?
> 
> I just wanna say for the record that I don't study Law, neither do I study at Oxford (I wish lmao) and even tho Kai has been very patient in explaining I'm sure I still got some things wrong so we ignore that lmao 
> 
> And no, I don't take criticism because of ABBA 
> 
> Have fun and thank you all so much again for your amazing support, you really make the lockdown bearable 💛💛💛

**JUNE 2021 - MONACO**

Rationally, Lewis knows it’s a good decision to get Nico involved in the case. He’s one of the best lawyers Lewis has ever seen, incredibly good at arguing (he has experienced that first hand) and they will need his skills.

It’s just that Lewis hasn’t really thought about the consequences that come with involving Nico Rosberg in the case and letting him back in his life. When he said to Max Nico is an “old friend” it hadn’t really been a lie - they’ve been friends. A long time ago.

But it’s also a lot more complicate than that, they haven’t talked for years after they both left Law School and Lewis massages his temples, sneaking a look at Nico who’s bend over some files on his desk, making himself some notes from time to time.

Max’s trial is in a week and they’ve been working non-stop since then, the pictures of the bruises being their most important asset. They work surprisingly well together and Lewis tries not to think too much about it - he spent the last 13 years thinking about Nico. Every day.

“I think that’s it for today?” Nico’s voice makes him look up and Lewis nods quickly, closing his MacBook. 

“See you tomorrow then?”, he says while packing his things and Nico nods. “Sure.”

They look at each other and for a moment, it feels like 2003 all over again, time freezing - all Lewis can do is look into Nico’s familiar blue eyes and he swallows dryly. He still feels like he knows Nico better than anyone, 18 years of history between them but there’s also suddenly so much distance.

Nico is just two meters away from him but it feels like they’re in two completely different universes.

13 years of distance and he takes a deep breath.

“Good night, Nico”, he says quietly before leaving his office and calling himself a taxi. Working with Nico so close every day, bouncing strategies back and forth and discussing possible tactics - it feels so familiar. So much like old times and he closes his eyes for a second, trying to push back the memories.

Whatever happened between them belongs in the past and he can’t get distracted now - Max needs their full attention if they want to win this. Lewis runs a hand through his hair before he pulls his phone from his pocket, quickly posting the picture Hulk took yesterday.

They can and will win this and he leans his head against the car door, taking a deep breath. It’s already dark outside, past 10 and he can feel the tiredness creep in his bones. It’s been a while that he worked that long on a case and he has to admit he missed it a little.

Working for Dan is great and he wouldn’t change it for the world but there’s a difference between smaller legal copyright problems and taking down Jos Verstappen who’s on trial for child abuse.

But having Nico so close again-

_Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find_

He flinches when he hears the line of the song and he needs a moment to realize that it’s ‘S.O.S’ by ABBA - and that his driver apparently turned up the radio, humming along.

_I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind_

This feels too familiar, this-

_Whatever happened to our love?_

Really now? This hits too close to home and he swallows dryly, his mind involuntarily wandering back to Nico.

_I wish I understood_

Yeah, same, Lewis thinks bitterly.

_It used to be so nice, it used to be so good_

Lewis takes a shaky breath, a lump forming in his throat and before he can stop it the memories come back full force.

**OCTOBER 2003 - OXFORD**

To say Lewis is nervous would be an absolute understatement. He’s going to _Oxford_ , has been accepted into one of the best universities in the world - for their _Law School_ \- and standing here still feels unreal.

He takes a deep breath, taking a look around, his grip around the handle of his suitcase tightening. The place is crowded, he’s standing in front of the dorms and there are hundreds of parents dropping off their kids and bringing their stuff inside. Lewis kinda wishes his own parents would be here but they couldn’t afford the train ride and he slowly makes his way through the crowd.

After talking with the people responsible for assigning him a room, he gets up to the third floor and when he’s in front of his door, his heart beats faster, palms sweaty. What if the other guy is a douche? He has seen the looks a few of the others gave him already and he lifts his hand, knocking shortly before he opens.

He quickly checks out the room, two single beds on each side, two desks and closets and another door which probably leads to a bathroom and Lewis bites his lip when he sees a boy sitting on the left bed.

He has blonde hair and when he looks up, blue eyes meet Lewis’s brown ones. They stare at each other for a moment and Lewis is actually terrified. What if that boy doesn’t like him, what if he has something against people like him-

They have to _live_ together, what if-

And then the boy jumps up, a broad smile on his face and he comes towards him, offering him his hand. “Hey, I’m Nico!” 

He has an accent Lewis can’t quite place and he hesitantly shakes Nico’s hand, smiling shyly. 

“Lewis”, he mumbles and Nico grins. “Cool. I hope it’s okay I already took that bed, if you don’t want the right one we can also switch but Papa dropped me off before he left again, some business deal in Singapore, what do I know-“

Nico talks a lot but Lewis doesn’t mind, only smiling and nodding along, dropping his backpack on the right bed while the tension slowly leaves his body. Nico seems like a nice guy and in the next 30 minutes, Lewis gets to know that Nico is half German, half Finnish - but doesn’t speak Finnish -, grew up in Monaco, coming from a rich family and is basically Lewis’s complete opposite.

He starts worrying again, especially when he sees Nico’s fancy clothes and he nearly doesn’t dare to unpack his own stuff but then Nico offers him some chocolate and compliments his backpack and Lewis can’t help but smile.

They chat for the rest of the afternoon, getting along surprisingly well and when they’re both done unpacking they decide to take a walk over campus. 

“So you’re also doing Law?”, Nico asks him and Lewis nods hesitantly. “Yeah. Has always been my dream.”

He worked so hard for this, his parents sacrificed so much for this and when he got the acceptance letter with the scholarship - he still has a hard time believing it.

“Mine too.” Nico smiles while they sit down on a bench overlooking the campus and runs a hand through his blonde hair. Lewis can’t help but notice how pretty he actually is and he bites his lip, quickly averting his eyes. No need to creep his new friend out on their first day of uni. 

“What do you wanna do with it when you’re done?”, Nico asks and Lewis hesitates, not sure if he should be honest. But Nico had been kind so far so …

“I wanna change something in the world”, he says slowly, not daring to look at Nico. “I wanna fight injustice and do something good. Help those who can’t speak for themself.” 

It sounds ridiculous but honestly, that has been his dream since he was a little boy and Nico smiles, eyes sparkling. “That’s so cool! I don’t know yet what I wanna do but you’re definitely what my father would call a good influence.”

He grins again and Lewis laughs, relaxing more and more in Nico’s presence. “Thanks, I guess?” 

They stay silent for a moment, just watching the other students pass and Lewis can’t believe he nearly survived the first day. Not just that but also made a new friend and when he looks at Nico, his roommate gives him a big grin.

“Come on, let’s grab some dinner somewhere. I pay.” 

“You don’t have to-“, Lewis throws in, he has money and Nico doesn’t have to feel sorry for him- 

“It’s okay, really”, Nico interrupts him, looking insecure suddenly. “My Papa gave me some money and I wanna share.”

Lewis hesitates for another moment, he’s not really keen on it but he nods eventually. “Okay. But next time I pay.” 

“Deal.”

They share some pizza later that evening and Lewis is actually happy.

**NOVEMBER 2003 - OXFORD**

Classes are stressful, their professors don’t go easy on them just because they’re in their first semester but Lewis loves it. He still can’t believe he got this lucky, actually got into _Oxford_ and he loves every minute of it.

Nico and he become friends really quickly, doing nearly everything together and even though they’re complete opposites - Nico being the single child from a rich, privileged family from Germany, growing up in Monaco while Lewis grew up poor in a patchwork family in a council estate in Stevenage - they just work.

No one of them cares about the other one’s background and Lewis thanks god every day that he got Nico Rosberg as his roommate and not someone else.

“We are late, Lewis, we are late!” Nico is a mess, panicking and Lewis snorts, quickly fixing his hair before pulling his friend out of their room, grabbing their bags on their way out. “I know but if we run we can still make it so come on!”

They sprint over campus and when they slip into the lecture hall, out of breath and without breakfast, Lewis can’t hold back a grin while Nico starts laughing. 

“Oh my god”, he says, shaking his head and Lewis puts his things on the table, still grinning. “You’re a disaster, Nico, I thought Germans are always on time?”

“I’m only half German”, Nico points out while stealing Lewis’s apple and Lewis wants to call him out for it when Professor Barnes, their Criminal Law lecturer, enters the hall and he shuts up immediately. Not that they’d get in much trouble but he finds it rude to talk in class (or be late) and Nico knows that.

Professor Barnes keeps talking about Criminal Law and Lewis plays with his pen, trying to stay awake.

“There are of course people in our field who take a more … ruthless approach.” Professor Barnes gives them a disapproving look while walking in front of them. “Jos Verstappen is a very famous lawyer from the Netherlands - you might’ve heard of him already and if not you definitely will during your studies - and he’s brilliant in what he does. But he’s also using very … controversial tactics.”

Professor Barnes crosses his arms in front of his chest and lets his gaze wander over the students. 

“You’ll learn more about that later in your studies but take some advice from me: don’t get down on that level.” He gives them a stern look and Lewis can feel Nico lean closer next to him. 

“Now I’m curious”, he mumbles and Lewis grins. 

“Me too”, he whispers back and Nico grins as well. “Wanna grab lunch later?” 

“Absolutely.”

**DECEMBER 2003 - OXFORD**

“I hate this.” Nico groans, visibly frustrated and glares at his textbook. “Why can’t they just use normal English words? I feel so fucking stupid.”

“You’re not stupid.” Lewis gives him an encouraging smile and sits down next to him, taking a look at the chapter Nico had been reading. “And Civil Law is a bitch so it’s justified.”

“Everyone else seems to get it as well, right? Why can’t I?” Nico gives him a desperate look, running a hand through his hair. “Maybe I’m just too stupid for Law School.” 

Nico having doubts is rare, Lewis learned that much in the last two months - Nico normally is the personification of self-confidence.

“Hey.” Lewis puts a hand on his shoulder, giving him a warm smile. “You’re not stupid, you’re studying Law in a foreign country, in English which isn’t even your mother tongue - I think you’re doing pretty amazing for that. You’re smart Nico, I’ve heard you explain that case we used as an example in the lecture to Jenson yesterday. You know your shit.”

“Thanks”, Nico mumbles but there’s a small smile on his face. “Really. I wouldn’t know what I’d do without you.” 

“Cry over Civil Law”, Lewis comments dryly and Nico actually laughs at that. “Probably. We’re gonna get through this bullshit together, right? Through all three years plus the placement?”

“Forever until the end”, Lewis confirms, a warm feeling spreading through him and Nico smiles at him, open and genuine. “Good. And now please explain this to me because if I have to read that chapter one more time I might scream.”

Lewis just laughs, shaking his head before pulling the book closer again, skimming over the pages before explaining it to Nico.

**JANUARY 2004**

“You’re coming to Jenson’s Party, right?” Lewis looks up from the book he is reading at Nico’s voice, his stomach twisting and he swallows dryly. His roommate is getting dressed right now, combing his hair in front of the mirror and Lewis bites his lip.

He’s not much of a fan of parties. Too many people, too crowded, social anxiety- all those things. 

“I-“ His voice breaks a little and he clears his throat annoyedly, closing his book. “I don’t think so.”

Nico turns around, face turning worried when he sees him and he comes closer, frowning. “Are you okay?” 

“I guess. I just really don’t wanna go to that party.” Lewis avoids his eyes, feeling like the biggest loser in the whole United Kingdom and he’s pretty sure Nico is going to laugh at him.

Or worse, call him out for it, say he’s boring, lame, a loser-

“Okay”, is all Nico says before he flops down next to him on the bed, already reaching for his laptop. 

“Okay?” Lewis stares at him, confused and Nico nods, looking through Lewis’s DVDs. “Mhm. What do you wanna watch? Or do you wanna play some PlayStation?”

“You- what about Jenson’s party??” Lewis stares at him but Nico just shrugs, putting the laptop away and grabbing the two controllers. “If you’re not going I’m not going either, it’s no fun without you. Call of Duty or Prince of Persia?”

“But you told Jenson you were coming!”, Lewis says, still stunned while grabbing the spare controller - god bless his rich roommate, seriously. “Call of Duty.”

“I did but that’s Jenson’s loss.” Nico shrugs, putting the disc in his PlayStation, starting the game. “I’m not gonna leave you alone in our room on a Friday night.”

He starts customizing his soldier, selecting weapons and Lewis stares at him, visibly touched. Nico stays here because of him?? Giving up a party where he could get drunk - and laid - just because he doesn’t want him to be alone?

Lewis takes a deep breath, bumping his shoulder against Nico’s and tucking his legs in. “I’m gonna kick your ass, you do know that?” 

“You won’t, you’re horrible at this game.” Nico snorts and Lewis flips him off, selecting his weapons. “I’m not, I’m better than you!” 

“You’re not!” 

“I am!” They stare at each other for a moment before Lewis can’t hold back a smile. “One day when we’re both lawyers we’re gonna still play video games, right?” 

“Obviously.” Nico grins, leaning against him. “I doubt anything could change that. We’re gonna be rich and successful, having our shared law firm and helping people.”

Lewis grins at that, the warm and content feeling staying and not for the first time he thanks God for letting Nico Rosberg in his life.

“You’re my best friend, Nico. Do you know that?” 

“You’re my best friend too, Lewis. Forever until the end, right?”

**JUNE 2021 - MONACO**

Well that had been a fucking lie, hadn’t it? Lewis thinks bitterly and he pays the driver when the car stops in front of his flat. There’s a sour feeling in his stomach when he enters his empty flat, throwing the keys on the table and making himself some bread with hummus before stepping on the tall window that overlooks Monaco.

He leans his forehead against the cold glass, trying to ignore the numbness in his stomach. He really didn’t think about the consequences when he called Nico and he pays the price for it now.

He pulls his phone from his pocket, in desperate need of distraction but when he opens Instagram, actually just wanting to scroll mindlessly through his feed for a while, his heart stops for a second.

Lewis already regrets his choice of following Nico on Instagram and he smiles sadly when he looks at the picture.

Time to go to bed.


	2. Chapter 2

**AUGUST 2021 - MONACO**

They won. They actually won a case against Jos Verstappen and Lewis still can’t believe it even though it’s been two months. He’s something between absolutely amazed, proud and speechless, Nico and he really did _that_ -

His law professors from Law School must be so proud, Lewis still remembers the phone call he got from Professor Barnes after the trial, congratulating him on the amazing work. He knows he’s good in his job - but getting validation does feel nice.

He’s at home in Monaco right now, coordinating a few things for Dan and scrolling through his Instagram, smiling involuntarily when he sees Max’s post.

He knows those two went to the beach today, having some quality time after all that stress with Jos and moving flats and Lewis- seeing Max smile, seeing how relieved he was after the trial- it was worth everything.

Max deserves to be happy and even though he didn’t really have much contact with Nico after the trial- it’s okay. This was never about him, this was about Max and they did it. Finished the job, won the case. No need for Nico and him to keep talking.

He opens the YouTube app to check how the video Dan uploaded yesterday is doing and he grins when he sees the thumbnail.

They’ve gotten themself a Renault Twingo, taking it on a race track outside of Monaco before Hulk drove it and it had been fun.

He wants to go back to Instagram when his phone vibrates, signaling him that he got a new message and Lewis’s mouth goes dry when he sees from whom it is.

His hands start shaking and he hesitantly opens WhatsApp, trying not to freak out.

Lewis’s hand is cold, he has no idea what to feel. He’s excited and sad and scared and terrified at the same time even though his brain tells him that this is ridiculous - it’s just Nico.

Nico, with whom he hasn’t done something alone for over 13 years. Nico, his- whatever they were. Whatever they are now.

The distance is still between them, Lewis can even feel it through their chat and his heart aches, throat tightening. He doesn’t know why Nico suddenly wants to meet for coffee or talk or whatever and he doesn’t know if it’s a good idea that he said yes.

But fuck, he’s always been weak when it comes to Nico and he runs a hand through his hair. 3 pm.

His phone vibrates again and his heart skips a beat but it’s just Dan.

He really loves Dan but he’s too stressed right now to think about Dan’s next Monaco vlog - not when he’s about to go for a coffee with Nico. Fuck, he hates what effect Nico has on him, still has after all those years and he closes his laptop in front of him, chewing on his bottom lip.

Hearing his voice again after all those years, being so close to him- he thought he was over him. He really did. And the second he met Nico in the café in Monaco with the others, seeing his blue eyes and the familiar smirk again- it had nearly been too much.

Lewis doesn’t know why he goes back to his camera roll, scrolling through his pictures and when his phone suggests a memory, his throat tightens.

17 years ago. Lewis remembers the picture as if it had been yesterday, them in January 2004, the first few months after having started Law School. Jenson teasing them that they were inseparable and unable to keep a straight face when around each other.

They had taken the picture to prove him wrong and Lewis involuntarily smiles when he sees the photo. They had been so innocent back then. No idea what to expect from life and he can’t believe it’s been 17 years.

And then his phone suggests him another memory and Lewis feels like all air got knocked out of his chest.

Their holiday in Greece in the summer of 2004. The 18th of July 2004. The day where everything started to get complicated.

**JULY 2004 - KEFALONIA, GREECE**

“No way you learned this in just a few hours!” Nico stars at him incredulously and Lewis grins, jumping from his unicycle. “Told you I can be better than you!”

“You’re not better, you just managed not to fall”, Nico corrects him and Lewis grins. “Shut up. You wanna go for pizza?” 

“Hell yes. Bet I can eat mine quicker than yours.” Nico winks at him and Lewis tries to ignore the butterflies in his stomach. “You wish.”

They’ve always been competitive and Nico laughs, nodding. “Fine. We have to take a picture together later though. For the memories.” 

“Of course.” Lewis grins and Nico smiles satisfied.

They race each other to the small pizzeria in the village, Lewis winning by just a few seconds and inviting Nico for lunch after that. They spend the afternoon talking and laughing, swimming in the crystal clear blue ocean and just forgetting about Law School for a while.

They both passed their exams with excellent grades, being on top of their classes and Lewis is excited for Year 2 - but for now, he’s just happy to spend his summer with his best friend in Greece.

In the evening they climb on the roof of their little house Nico’s dad rented for them, looking at the ocean and the stars, some wine between them and Nico lays on his back, staring in the sky.

“Can you believe we’re back home again soon?”, he asks and Lewis lays back next to him, looking at the thousands of stars above them. 

“Not really”, he says quietly. “I’m gonna miss the sun.” 

“Don’t remind me.” Nico groans and Lewis smiles, warmth spreading through him.

“I’m gonna miss the sun the most when I’m in the library and crying over some stupid essay.” Nico shakes his head and Lewis grins. “It’s going to be alright. Just two more years and our placement and then we’re lawyers!”

”And save the world”, Nico adds with a small smile and Lewis’s heart beats faster. 

“And save the world”, he confirms, his hand is laying directly next to Nico’s and he could easily take it. Wants to take it.

It’s a warm summer evening and Lewis closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. It smells like flowers, he can feel Nico’s hand gently brush against his and before he can think about it longer, he takes it, linking their hands together.

They stay like this for a while, looking at the stars and holding hands, Nico’s hand warm in his, fitting perfectly and it feels so right that Lewis can’t stop smiling, internally bursting with happiness. Warmth spreads through him and he squeezes Nico’s hand shyly, smiling when Nico returns the pressure.

When he looks to his right he sees Nico smile at him, open and warm and Lewis can feel his heart beating in his throat. My god he’s so in love and he rolls on his side, hesitantly moving a bit closer.

Nico’s smile only widens and Lewis takes a deep breath before he leans forward, their lips tentatively brushing against each other, short and sweet before Nico pulls him closer, cupping his face in one hand, the other one still holding his.

Lewis smiles and then Nico kisses him properly, pressing his lips against his, pulling him in completely and Lewis laughs breathlessly, burying his free hand in Nico’s soft blonde hair.

He hears the waves of the ocean below them, it smells like salt and summer and Nico and he can’t stop kissing him, already being addicted. He doesn’t admit to Nico that this is his first kiss but he couldn’t have wished for a better one and making out with Nico on the roof of their small house in Greece - he has never felt more alive.

Has never been happier.

They stumble back into their bedroom later that night, clumsily losing their shirts and pants and make out some more on the bed, Lewis moaning when he feels Nico touch his dick.

“You’ve ever done this before?”, Nico whispers and when Lewis shakes his head he’s suddenly embarrassed but Nico just gives him a reassuring smile, pinning him down. Clear blue eyes look at him, full of warmth and something Lewis can’t quite place - love? - and he feels himself calm down a little.

He trusts Nico more than anyone and Nico kisses him softly before caressing his face with one hand. 

“I’ll take care of you”, he says quietly and Lewis bites his lip, nodding. “Please.” His voice is hoarse and Nico smiles, starting to place wet, open-mouthed kisses on his neck and chest.

Lewis moans, trying to move and Nico lets go off his hands so he can play a little with his nipple. 

“Oh my god!” Lewis moans again, staring at Nico with wide eyes and Nico smirks, his hand wandering to Lewis’s dick and stroking it. “You’re okay, baby?”

The nickname makes Lewis’s heart burst with love and he tries to hide his grin, only nodding and thrusting his hips up a little. 

“Please”, he whimpers again and then Nico’s hands are all over his body, caressing, appreciating and Lewis has never felt this turned on.

They kiss until their lips are red and swollen and he’s leaking with precum and when Nico fishes some lube from his pocket, Lewis is too far gone to question why he brought some. If he planned this or if he just always carries some lube around.

Nico warms the small bottle up between his palms and Lewis’s throat tightens at the small gesture, not able to form words. He doesn’t even know if it’s cold or not but seeing that Nico cares so much-

“You’re okay?”, Nico asks him quietly, squeezing some lube on his finger and Lewis nods, taking a deep breath and trying to get that anxious knot out of his stomach. It’s going to be fine.

“Tell me as soon as you’re uncomfortable or when it hurts okay?” Nico’s eyes are full of worry and Lewis takes his lube-free hand, squeezing it quietly. The _‘I love you’_ is on the tip of his tongue but he swallows it and nods instead.

Nico’s finger circles his whole for a moment, spreading his ass cheeks and when he slowly pushes his finger inside, Lewis tenses at the unknown feeling. 

“Relax”, Nico mumbles and Lewis takes a deep breath. It‘s going to be alright, it’s Nico and he can feel himself slowly relax around Nico’s finger.

“Good boy”, Nico whispers and the sentence goes straight to Lewis’s cock. He moans, grabbing the sheets when Nico adds a second finger, watching him absolutely fascinated and Lewis has never felt so vulnerable in his life.

He’s laying here all naked and spread out for Nico, under his scrutinizing gaze and he closes his eyes, breathing quickening. Fuck, he’s so turned on. Nico adds a third finger, slowly starting to move them and Lewis swears, instinctively pushing his hips up a little.

“Fuck, oh my _god_ -“ He nearly screams when Nico hits his prostate and wouldn’t he be so far gone, he’d probably be embarrassed. Nico is still slowly fucking him with his fingers, kissing the inside of his thigh and Lewis is so in love with him he might cry. He doesn’t say it though, too caught up in his head and when Nico removes his fingers, rolling a condom over his dick and positioning himself, there’s nothing but trust in Lewis’s eyes.

“Ready?”, Nico asks him with a low voice, maybe scared that if he talks too loudly he’ll ruin the moment and Lewis nods, taking his hand. 

“Take me”, he whispers and Nico gives him another smile before slowly pushing into him.

It hurts like hell, Nico’s cock is big and Lewis whimpers, Nico immediately stopping to give him time. 

“It’s okay, you’re doing amazing, baby”, he murmurs, his thumb caressing his hand and Lewis takes a deep breath. 

“Okay”, he says with a hoarse voice and Nico keeps pushing.

Lewis grits his teeth, trying to ignore the pain and when Nico is inside of him, waiting, he takes a deep breath. For a moment he’s just breathing, sweat on his forehead when he nods, Nico slowly starts moving. He fucks him gentle at first, Lewis slowly getting used to the feeling and relaxing more and more.

He’s still painfully hard and when Nico starts stroking his dick he makes a strangled sound, pushing his hips up slightly. Nico moans at the different angle, fingers digging into Lewis’s hips and he picks up his pace a little.

Their first time is messy, sloppy and Lewis comes way too quickly after a few strokes from Nico, spilling all over his stomach and the white bedsheets, panting and moaning loudly. Nico comes shortly after him, thrusting into him two more times and when they lay next to each other afterward, Lewis feels like he’s floating.

He feels blissfully exhausted, tiredness slowly seeking into his bones and he yawns, pulling the thin blanket over Nico and him. His ass is sore and he tries to ignore the heavy feeling of uncertainty in his stomach. They don’t need to talk- they’re Lewis and Nico. They understand each other without words, they’ll be fine, right?

And when he’s nearly asleep and Nico takes his hand, bringing it up to his lips and kissing it gently, whispering a “Forever until the end” - Lewis has a hard time hiding his smile and pretending to stay asleep.

**OCTOBER 2004 - OXFORD**

They’re back at uni and maybe they should’ve talked. They act like they’re together, kissing and being inseparable, sleeping with each other but there’s still some uncertainty that makes Lewis anxious, drives him into overthinking but he tries his best to stop worrying.

Nico doesn’t seem to worry about them so it’s alright, right? And they have way too much stress with uni right now anyway than to worry about their relationship so Lewis buries himself in his work.

Most of the students from their year start working part-time in law firms and Lewis knows he needs the experience. Knows he needs to get some connections but when Nico gets the job in one of the best law firms in Oxford and not him-

It sucks. It sucks big time and he tries to hide his disappointment. He’s not jealous, has always hated that trait more than anything and he’s happy for Nico. Really. But when Nico passes an exam with the highest grade all while barely studying for it and Lewis- he passed.

But he studied his fucking ass off for that Criminal Law exam and only getting the second-highest grade- he’s frustrated and when he meets Nico later in their room that night, he’s not in the mood for talking. Nico is cleaning, asking him questions from time to time but Lewis just hums in agreement, pretending to be busy.

Nico narrows his eyes, clearly noticing that something is up but he lets him be and later that night Lewis promises himself to never be mean to Nico ever again. They’re friends, he’s happy for him and they can and will go through this together.

Law School won’t destroy their friendship- or relationship or whatever they have.

And then he gets the best grade and he can clearly see how _pissed_ Nico is.

“Are you okay?”, Lewis asks carefully and Nico takes a deep breath, blue eyes livid and full of anger. “No. I shouldn’t have gotten a 2.2, my essay was better than that!”

Lewis doesn’t know if it was worth a 2.2 or better, he didn’t read it but he also knows it’s useless arguing with Nico right now. He does feel bad for having a better grade though and Nico stops when he sees him chewing on his lip.

“What?”, he asks and Lewis hesitates. 

“Are you mad at me?”, he then asks, actually scared for the answer. He shouldn’t feel bad for getting a good grade, he worked hard for this and-

“No”, Nico says after a moment of silence and Lewis really can’t tell if he’s lying or not. “You studied for it and you deserved that grade. Somehow.” 

Somehow? Lewis raises his eyebrows but then Nico flops down next to him and sighs.

“I just- I always want to be the best, you know?”, he says and Lewis nods because he does. He’s the same, the fear of disappointing his parents who sacrificed so much for him always in the back of his mind and Nico gives him a small smile.

“Anyway. You’re coming to Jenson’s party tonight, right?” 

“I-“ Lewis hesitates, shrugging helplessly. “I actually didn’t want to go.” 

“Oh come on, it will be fun!” Nico gives him an encouraging nudge but Lewis shakes his head. “No, sorry.”

Nico looks disappointed and Lewis feels bad. Maybe he should just say yes for once but he really doesn’t like those parties and he bites his lip, avoiding Nico’s eyes. 

“You can go if you want to”, he says, still not looking at him and fixating some dust particle on the floor. “You don’t have to stay here alone with me.”

“You sure?” Nico raises his eyebrows and a Lewis nods. “Yeah. Don’t worry about me, man, I still have some work to do and then go to bed early.” 

The thought of Nico going alone to a party where people could flirt with him, hit on him- Lewis hates it.

But he also doesn’t want to keep him from anything and then Nico nods and says “True it’s not like I have something that stops me” and Lewis’s heart shatters. He nods anyway and forces himself to smile at Nico. “Yeah. Have fun.” 

“Will do.” Nico winks at him before he gets changed and when he’s gone, Lewis takes a deep breath. It will be fine.

**FEBRUARY 2005 - OXFORD**

They’re still inseparable but they’ve also gotten way more competitive. There’s no denying that a small rivalry blossomed between them, constantly pushing each other with essays and grades and Lewis- they’re still friends.

They’re still- whatever they are. But there’s a hard edge to their relationship now and it doesn’t help that Nico sometimes goes out without him. It’s Lewis’s own fault and he knows that but- it hurts.

They still haven’t talked about anything that happened in Greece and Lewis wouldn’t know how to start. His feelings for Nico are stronger than anything he ever experienced before and even though Nico drives him insane sometimes, he also loves him so much that it nearly hurts.

Their Placement is coming up soon, meaning they have to work in a legal institution (law firm, court and so on) for a year between Year 2 and Year 3 and Lewis knows Nico and he won’t see each other much there. But- he doesn’t know what to do without Nico.

Nico took over his life completely, understanding him like no one else, he’s his best friend and their friendship (relationship) is the best thing that ever happened to him. Nico balances him out, helps him to somehow stay sane. But he can’t worry about this, not with their Year 2 exams coming up soon and he pushes the feelings back, turning the page in his textbook.

Nico comes in later that night, Lewis is already half asleep and when the mattress dips next to him he flinches - only to realize that it’s Nico who snuck into his bed.

“Hey”, Nico mumbles and Lewis relaxes, pulling him closer. 

“You’re good?”, he asks quietly and he can see Nico shrugs in the darkness. “Don’t know.” 

He’s quiet for a moment and Lewis gives him time to collect his thoughts.

“Guess I’m just scared to disappoint my parents with bad grades”, Nico then says and Lewis unconsciously takes his hand. “I’ve always wanted to become a lawyer like my father and he has been nothing but supportive. Lewis, he’s so important to me I don’t want to disappoint him.” Nico turns to him and Lewis swallows dryly. 

“It will be fine”, he says quietly. “Nico, I- I know your dad. He’s a good man and he definitely won’t be disappointed if you fail an exam.”

“But I can’t do that!” Nico shakes his head and Lewis can see him swallowing hard. “My mum never really cared much about me and being good in uni was the only way of getting at least some attention from them.” 

Lewis has no idea what to say to that and Nico takes a deep breath. 

“It’s just hard”, he ends quietly and Lewis squeezes his hand. “I know. But just imagine how cool it will be when we both make it and have our own law firm together. As partners.” 

“That’s the dream.” Nico grins and presses a kiss on his cheek. “Thanks, man.” 

“Always.” Lewis smiles and Nico’s face turns serious, giving him an earnest look. “We will make it through the Placement and the last year, right?” 

He sounds insecure and Lewis nods, ignoring his aching heart.

“Forever until the end.”

**AUGUST 2021 - MONACO**

Lewis takes a deep breath, shaking his head to get rid of the memories. He’s meeting Nico in a few minutes and he’s already in the café, waiting for him.

He’s nervous even though he shouldn’t be - it’s just Nico. Nico, the love of his life and Lewis is glad for the sunglasses, hoping he can keep a neutral expression. Apparently whatever was between them is gone and he smiles awkwardly when he sees Nico coming towards him.

“Hey”, he says and Nico smiles as well, not looking nervous at all. “Hey.” 

He falls down on the chair across from him and Lewis nervously licks his lips, completely missing how Nico’s eyes follow the movements of his tongue.

It’s such a strange feeling: he technically knows who that person in front of him is. Knows how he looks, knows how he scrunches his nose when he laughs and knows how his dick feels inside of him. Knows how those lips feel against his.

Knows how passionate Nico can get about things, knows how he always fights for what he thinks is right (he saw that just two months ago in court and he might have fallen for him all over again when he saw him arguing with Jos Verstappen).

But all those things - they’re from 13 years ago. He doubts the Nico he knew is still there, the distance between them undeniable and it’s so fucking awkward Lewis doesn’t know what to do. They have some small talk but it feels wrong and he nearly buries his face in his hands.

When they both still went to uni they spent countless nights talking about absolutely everything, from their deepest fears to their biggest hopes and dreams, talking the whole night, and now all he gets from Nico are some work stories and a few afterthoughts on the trial.

On the other hand, he should probably count himself lucky that Nico apparently still wants to see him - for whatever reason. Lewis doesn’t know, his heart doesn’t know but his heart also doesn’t care - it’s just happy to see Nico again.

Nico isn’t dead but their love is. 

“So, what have you been up to?”, Nico asks him casually while stirring in his coffee - black with way too much milk (at least that didn’t change). “Heard you were traveling quite a lot.” 

“Yeah.” Lewis shrugs, not sure what he’s supposed to say to that. “Dan and I met in Silverstone in 2011 and became friends pretty quickly. He needed a lawyer and I wasn’t really happy at Bones & Marbles.” 

He takes a sip from his coffee and Nico nods. “I heard.” 

It’s quiet again and Lewis hates it so much. Hates the guarded expression on Nico’s face so much and he suddenly feels like he can’t breathe, everything getting a bit too much.

“I need to go, I still have some work to do”, he says, giving him a fake smile and Nico nods - Lewis doesn’t know that Nico is still able to read him better than anyone else. He also misses the short flash of disappointment in Nico’s eyes when he gets up, grabbing his phone and Nico gives him a short smile.

“It was nice seeing you, man. We should do it again.” 

“Yeah.” Lewis swallows dryly and Nico nods. “Right. See you then.” 

Lewis stares at him for another second before nodding as well and nearly fleeing from the café.

When he’s back in the safety of his own flat, away from Nico and that fucking smile and his blue eyes, he takes a deep breath. His phone reminds him of a new memory and at first, he doesn’t want to open it. But he’s curious and when he sees the picture of them at a karting track, all the way back in 2004, he swallows down the tears.

They had been young and happy and then lost each other on the way, dreaming too fast, stumbling into the real world and not being ready for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen, I'll forever scream about 'that one night in Greece' and this was just too good to leave it out 
> 
> well, let's get the angst going, eh? 
> 
> as always I'm completely overwhelmed by all your support and I just 💛💛 love all of you so much


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moot Courts are basically Law competitions where Law Schools from all over the world compete against each other/their university/other Law Schools in their country, debating about a certain topic and simulate a "real" situation 💛
> 
> And the one in Oxford is considered one of the grand slam or major moots like if you win that, damn

**OCTOBER 2021 - AUSTIN, TEXAS**

They’re in Austin and Lewis wants to say he successfully didn’t think about Nico in the last two months but that would just be a lie. There hasn’t been a day since he left Law School where he didn’t think about Nico - he just got pretty good at ignoring the dull pain inside of him.

Nico is always with him but he learned to live with that.

He accepted the fate of Nico’s memory always spooking through his mind and he takes a sip from his water, cutting his potatoes. They’re out for dinner, Hulk having gone to the bathroom real quick while Dan and he kept chatting and Lewis still can’t believe Hulk really posted that.

Not that he regrets his outfit, it’s a good one but sometimes-

“Are you okay, mate?”, Dan asks, a concerned undertone in his voice, and Lewis nods, eating a bit from his salad. “Why shouldn’t I be?” 

“I don’t know, I just worry about you, man. You’ve been a bit quiet since the trial.” Dan looks at him, brown eyes filled with worry and Lewis is actually speechless.

Like he knows Dan is one of his best friends (not _the_ best friend, that’s still Nico - or whatever they are now) but that he actually noticed- He’s incredibly soft suddenly and his throat tightens a little.

“I’m good.” He forces himself to give Dan a reassuring smile and takes a sip from his water. “Really. It was just strange seeing Nico again after all those years.”

“I can imagine. You went to Law School together, right?” Dan gives him a curious look and Lewis nods. “Yep.” 

“You got a picture? I can’t imagine you with 18.” Dan grins and Lewis laughs, reaching for his phone. “Sure.”

Of course he has pictures. The pictures are probably all that’s left from their time together and his phone created another memory for him - lovely. Not.

“We sometimes went karting together”, Lewis explains, showing the picture to Dan. “I was 21 in that picture though.” 

And he still remembers how the sky cleared up on that day, the sun hitting Nico’s face and Lewis thinking _“My god he’s so pretty”_ at that moment.

“It’s cute.” Dan grins, running a hand through his dark curls before he looks at him earnestly. “So what happened between you two?” 

His question feels like a punch in the gut and Lewis’s mouth goes dry, throat tightening.

He stares at Dan, actually at a loss for words, not sure what to say- how to explain this whole mess. How to explain to Dan that his heart still belongs to some German who doesn’t care about him. To someone who he hasn’t properly talked to for over 13 years.

Nico agreed to come to the wedding with him and Lewis doesn’t know what to make of that. It’s not a date but Nico had been happy about the invite - it had taken Lewis a lot of balls to actually ask him. But Nico likes Max so that’s probably why he said yes and-

“Mate?” Dan frowns and Lewis clears his throat, still not knowing what to say. 

And then Hulk comes back, telling them something about the bathroom and Lewis breathes out in relief, quickly joining the conversation to get off the Nico-topic. He feels Dan’s gaze on him but he ignores it, talking with Hulk and when he anxiously rips his napkin below the table- no one knows, right?

He can’t talk about Nico right now. Can’t talk about what happened. They’ve both made mistakes, both said things they regret and he- he can’t talk about it.

When he comes back into his hotel room later that night though, he can’t stop looking at the picture of Nico and him he showed Dan before. That had been shortly before they both started their 3rd and final year at uni, after the Placement and his heart aches when he thinks about the memory.

**OCTOBER 2006 - OXFORD**

They somehow make it through the Placement but as Lewis thought: Nico and he didn’t see each other a lot and he hates it. And when they’re back at uni, everything feels so much different, an unknown distance between them.

He doesn’t know if it’s because they changed or because the pressure is slowly getting to them or because they never really talked about whatever that is between them but they snap at each other way more often, are annoyed by each other 90% of the time and their rivalry - Lewis thought Year 2 had been bad. But it’s nothing compared to Year 3.

It’s civil most of the time, just the two of them arguing in class and driving everyone else insane with their different approaches and strategies and viewpoints, going on for hours and their professors having to interrupt them. What happens in class stays in class and so on.

But they’ve gotten more competitive, also about grades and when Lewis gets a higher grade than Nico in an important essay - to say the mood is icy in their room would be an understatement. It’s so cold Lewis is surprised it isn’t snowing and he crosses his arms in front of his chest, fixating Nico with his gaze.

“Are you honestly pissed at me now that I’m better than you?” 

“You’re not better than me.” Nico scoffs, running a hand through his hair and Lewis raises one eyebrow. “But I got the higher grade.” 

“The grading is subjective and we all know that.” Nico rolls his eyes and Lewis stares at him, actually speechless. “Excuse me?”

“It is what it is, accept it, Lewis.” Nico shrugs, eyes turning cold. “It’s not fair, I clearly had the better approach to the subject but if the corrector doesn’t like my way there’s nothing I can do.” 

“You’re so full of shit.” Lewis stares at him, every word from Nico feeling like a stab with a knife and he grabs his coat. “Fuck you, man.”

He leaves before he says anything he will regret later, breathing in the cold winter air and wandering over campus, rubbing his eyes. He won’t cry over Nico or something stupid like that, this is ridiculous, really. He’s graduating in less than a year and he nearly made it.

He applied for Harvard to do his LL.M. there, praying he gets accepted and he- he really doesn’t need Nico to fuck this up for him. He didn’t tell him he applied, having the stupid fear Nico would do the same and- fuck. Lewis is not a jealous person, has never been but Nico brings out the worst in him and he sinks on a bench, taking another deep breath to not cry.

He worked fucking hard for that essay and he’s still pissed Nico got a higher grade in the essay before - he had been better, not Nico. Nico’s point of view was stupid and as much as Lewis wants to argue with him all the time, it also hurts so much. Their relationship has changed so much and he bites his lip, a lump forming in his throat.

Where did they go so wrong?

He ends up spending the evening with Jenson and his friends, they’re good lads and when he’s on his way back to his room later that night, he feels a bit lighter. Nico was clearly pissed and Lewis gets it, he was too with the last essay (still is) but they can fix that. They’re Nico and Lewis, right? Best friends since Year 1.

Forever until the end.

But when he comes back to their room, Nico is sitting on his bed and when he looks up, Lewis involuntarily shivers when he sees the cold look in his blue eyes. 

“Where have you been?”, he asks and Lewis frowns, slowly closing the door behind himself. “At Jenson’s, why?”

“Did you have a good time?” There’s a bite in Nico’s voice Lewis isn’t used to, it makes him feel all cold and miserable and he stares at Nico, speechless. “What the fuck?” 

“Did he fuck you?”, Nico asks and Lewis thinks he misheard him. 

“What the fuck?!”, he repeats and Nico snorts. “I hope it was at least good.” 

“I didn’t- why do you care?! You’re not my boyfriend!” Lewis doesn’t know why he said that it just slipped out but he’s so angry all of a sudden and for a second he thinks to see something like pain or hurt flash in Nico’s eyes. The expression is gone in seconds though, replaced by a poker face and the coldness that surrounds Nico makes Lewis shiver.

“You’re right, I’m not”, he spits out and the words feel like he just got slapped. Well, there he has his confirmation. Nico and he are not boyfriends, Lewis isn’t even sure if they’re friends at the moment and he steps forward. 

“What is your fucking problem?!”, he hisses and Nico’s eyes darken. “My problem is that you are a fucking asshole!” 

Okay wow, they’ve never gotten this personal. Lewis stares at him, actually considering to punch him in the face for that but then Nico pushes him against the wall, kissing him forcefully and Lewis moans involuntarily.

He’s weak when it comes to Nico and when Nico pulls his pants down, kissing his thighs and dick, Lewis doesn’t resist one bit, only leaning into the touch and closing his eyes.

Nico kisses him, a bit softer and Lewis whimpers, pulling him with him to the bed and Nico pins him down, kissing his neck and biting from time to time, claiming him and Lewis loves it so much. He’s not Nico’s, apparently has never been but he’ll take what he can get and he ignores the heavy feeling in his stomach when Nico pushes the first finger into him.

He prepares him quickly and carefully and when he slams into him, fucking him until he screams, Lewis slowly relaxes, hand gripping the sheet of his bed. He has no idea what the future holds for them, what will happen to them after they graduate but right now nothing of that matters. Right now all that matters is Nico fucking him into oblivion, hard and aggressively, Lewis falling apart below him and when he comes with a hoarse shout, he takes a deep breath, heart racing.

Nico pulls out of him, pulling him close and when Lewis lays his head on his chest, inhaling his familiar scent, it’s nearly like it’s always been. Nearly. That is until he’s nearly asleep and Nico suddenly slips out of his bed, back in his own and Lewis has never felt colder.

They’ve always fallen asleep cuddled up to each other after sex, Nico always holding and kissing him and that right now- Lewis ignores the numb feeling that’s spreading through him and instead pulls the blanket tighter around himself, ignoring his shaking hands.

Not boyfriends.

Nico is quiet on his side, not saying anything and the silence is suffocating him, his throat tight. Lewis bites his lips so hard he can taste blood, a lump forming in his throat and tears prickling in his eyes.

Nico is- he’s chaos to his thoughts, poison to his heart and at the same time, he’s soothing his anxiety, kissing away the pain while holding the knife and twisting it.

**FEBRUARY 2007 - OXFORD**

They still have their great moments. They still have moments in class where they work together on a case, talking about strategies and when they go to the Moot Court for Oxford, competing against other Law Schools from all over the world, they’re unbeatable, arguing about International Human Rights and winning the thing for their university together.

But most of their time is spent arguing and Lewis is so tired of it. Tired of the coldness, the distance that’s surrounding them suddenly and he has no idea where they went wrong. When everything went to shit.

It’s Friday night and Lewis has no idea where Nico is. He hasn’t seen him since they left classes this afternoon and he tries to ignore the bad feeling in his stomach. They’re not together, he’s not Nico’s babysitter, it’s fine.

Them winning the Moot Court was two weeks ago and Lewis- fuck, everything had felt so normal there. Them working together as if they’ve never done anything else, laughing and joking around - it had felt so _right_ , so _easy_ \- He misses that. Misses his best friend more than anything.

Nico has been partying a lot lately, going out with Jenson all while still acing his essays and Lewis hates him for it. He is struggling a little at the moment, he’s absolutely terrified of exams coming up, including his thesis and even though he got accepted into Harvard (and that felt so good and wrong at the same time because he was over the moon and also so terrified, not being able to tell Nico, also not being able to tell him he’d go away) that doesn’t lower the pressure he puts on himself.

And Nico is just out partying, apparently living his best life (without Lewis) and it hurts so much. He has been to one of Jenson’s infamous parties once and he knows how fucked up it can get there. How much alcohol they always have. How many people flirt with Nico on a daily basis (not that Lewis could blame them. He’d also definitely flirt with Nico _but that’s not the point_ ) and want to get into his pants. It’s unnerving and Lewis has the feeling he lost Nico a long time ago.

Or Nico lost him but Lewis doubts Nico really misses him.

When Nico comes back that night, sometime around 3 in the morning, looking like he just got fucked against a wall and stinking of alcohol, Lewis is so pissed. And done. And hurt but he ignores that part, focusing on his anger instead.

“So you finally decided to show up?”, he says coldly and Nico flinches, turning to him with a stunned look in his eyes. “What?” 

He looks so young and vulnerable, staring at him with wide blue eyes and for a moment Lewis hesitates. But he’s still pissed and Nico’s hair is a mess and-

“Did you let yourself get fucked?”, he asks and hurt flashes in Nico’s eyes. “I didn’t-“ 

He’s clearly still drunk and Lewis can feel the lump forming in his throat. Fuck, what’s wrong with him, he-

“That’s none of your fucking business!”, Nico then fires back, all his self-confidence back and Lewis grits his teeth, flipping him off. “Fuck you.”

“You wish. I can do whatever the fuck I want!” Nico is glaring at him and Lewis shrugs, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Never said something else. I don’t need you.”

“And I don’t need you, seriously, what’s your problem?!” Nico’s eyes are ice cold and Lewis feels like crying. “Fuck you, Nico. You’re nothing but a spoiled, rich brat who doesn’t care about anyone.”

They stare at each other for a moment, silence suffocating, Lewis hating himself so much for his last words, already regretting them and he knows he hurt Nico- sees the hurt in his eyes. 

“I hate you so much”, Nico then says quietly, voice breaking while he grabs some clothes, stuffing them in his bag before heading for the door. “I need to get out of here.”

“Where are you going?” Panic spreads through Lewis, it’s the middle of the night, Nico is drunk- 

“Why do you care?!”, Nico hisses and then he’s gone and Lewis feels so fucking numb.

He feels empty, the knife in his heart twisting, breaking, shattering it and he buries his nails in the palm of his hand, a choked sob escaping his lips.

It’s the first night of many he cries himself to sleep.

**JULY 2007 - OXFORD**

It’s his Graduation Day and Lewis should be over the moon. He should feel nothing but pride and joy on this day, he finished on top of his class from _Oxford_. He should be happy and emotional to see the proud shine in his parent’s eyes who came from Stevenage to witness the moment.

He should be happy but he isn’t.

And that’s mostly because Nico and he barely talked after that one night in February, still fucking from time to time but also arguing so much and Lewis- it feels unreal that he actually made it. That he made it through 4 years of Law School.

But standing here without Nico by his side feels so wrong after them always saying they’d make it together and he’s close to crying the whole day, only barely keeping it together. Nico and he don’t really see each other, only pose for one picture for Nico’s dad, Keke saying he wants to capture “his two favorite boys” on this day and Lewis- fuck he doesn’t have the heart to tell Keke that Nico and he are not friends anymore and Nico apparently doesn’t either.

They keep their distance after that, only congratulating each other quickly out of politeness and it’s only when Lewis is on his way home to his dorm room for the last time, packing his things, that the realization hits him full-force.

He’s going to America in less than two months, he got another full-paid scholarship and he probably won’t see Nico again for a long time. This is the last time he will be in their shared dorm room, the place where they made so many memories together - good and bad ones.

It hurts so much and when Nico comes into his room shortly after him, they just stare at each other silently, so many unspoken things between them that Lewis feels once again like he’s suffocating.

They’re alone, everyone else already gone home and when they sleep with each other on Lewis’s way too small bed for what is probably the last time, he tries his best to hold back the tears, clinging on to Nico like he’s the only one who can keep him from drowning and when he comes, Nico holding and fucking him through his orgasm, his throat is so tight it hurts and he has tears in his eyes.

He doesn’t see that Nico is crying silently, hot tears falling from his face in Lewis’s hair, holding him tight and the numbness is back, spreading through him.

He loves him so fucking much, Nico is the love of his life and he’s going to miss him so much, not knowing how to live without him. Apparently, it wasn’t meant to be- if they would’ve been a bit older- He doubts he’ll ever be able to forget Nico, the person who shaped him and his life in so many different ways.

Where did they go so wrong?

When he takes a cab to London later that night and hears the song that’s playing in the radio, his throat tightens once again and before he realizes it, he breaks down crying, clutching on to his coat, hugging it tightly, desperately trying to keep it together.

The driver doesn’t pay him any attention and Lewis buries his face in the soft material of his jacket, more tears coming when he breathes in Nico’s familiar scent that is somehow stuck to the coat.

_Where did I go wrong?_

_I lost a friend_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness_

_And I would have stayed up with you all night_

_Had I known how to save a life_

**OCTOBER 2021 - AUSTIN, TEXAS**

His Graduation is such a bittersweet memory and Lewis catches himself searching his phone for another photo, smiling sadly when he sees the picture. God bless Keke for forcing them to take a picture.

There are tears in his eyes but he swallows them down, taking a deep breath and going to bed. He doubts that he has any tears left to cry over this anyway - he did that for the last 13 years.

He’ll never be able to forget Nico and he accepted that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm breaking my own heart here guys 
> 
> (the last song is - surprise - not ABBA but The Fray - "How To Save A Life") 
> 
> But all your support, I am so soft you really make my lockdown bearable, thank you all so much for being so kind and loving of these two idiots as much as I am 💛


	4. Chapter 4

**FEBRUARY 2022 - SOMEWHERE OVER THE INDIAN OCEAN**

Lewis doesn’t know why he had the gloriously stupid idea to watch Mamma Mia on a long-distance flight in the middle of the night. Dan, Hulk and he are on their way to Australia, the wedding being in around two weeks and he’s actually dead tired.

He had just wanted something easy to watch, something wholesome that helps him fall asleep and it had worked for nearly half of the movie - Emirates’s First Class gives you the privacy of a single cabin and he is laying comfortably, already drifting off when the song starts and the moment Pierce Brosnan starts signing, he’s wide awake.

No. No, no, no, not that cursed song - the man can sing but-

He stares at the screen, vision blurry in front of his eyes and when Meryl Streep starts, he’s overwhelmed with emotions and the memories that come back full force.

_You seem so far away though you are standing near_

_You made me feel alive, but something died I fear_

_I really tried to make it out_

_I wish I understood_

_What happened to our love, it used to be so good_

No, please.

**SEPTEMBER 2007 - HARVARD UNIVERSITY, USA**

Harvard should’ve been a new beginning. A new part of his life without Nico, a fresh start. But when Lewis attends the Welcome Ceremony for new students and sees the familiar blue eyes and blonde hair, his heart stops for a moment and he’s actually speechless.

No. No way, he can’t- he can’t be here, what- why didn’t he _say_ something- Lewis starts shaking, hands getting sweaty and he grabs the table in front of him for support, heart racing in his chest. He feels many things, anger, sadness, hurt, panic, even love (that’s still _Nico_ in front of him) but most of all betrayal.

Nico was going to Harvard and didn’t say a thing.

And yes, Lewis knows he’s a bit of a hypocrite here but-

At that moment Nico turns slightly, blue eyes meeting brown ones and he freezes, staring at Lewis in absolute shock. 

“What are you doing here?!”, he asks, a cold edge in his voice and Lewis tries to stay calm, to not let his emotions get the better off him. 

“I could ask you the same”, he answers and Nico seems actually speechless. “You- why didn’t you tell me?!” 

Betrayal is clearly visible in his eyes and Lewis glares at him, a fire rising in him. 

“Oh, why didn’t _I_ tell you? Why didn’t you tell me?!”, he hisses and Nico snorts. “Never thought you’d be one for America.”

“What do you mean with that?” Lewis narrows his eyes and Nico shrugs, running a hand through his hair and giving him a smirk - Lewis hates it. “Don’t know. A bit too big for you?” 

Lewis is close to punching him in the face right there and then but then the event starts and he takes a seat as far away as possible from Nico.

No. No, he can’t be here, he can’t- he can’t go through that again. His heart reminds him that he’s still painfully in love with that asshole and Lewis bites his lips, avoiding to look at Nico and focusing on the man on stage.

He misses the looks Nico throws him from to time to time, the same goes for the pained expression on his face when Lewis leaves without sparing him another glance.

Lewis runs a hand through his hair when he’s back in his dorm, at least they’re not sharing a room this time and he falls on his bed, burying his face in his hands.

Nico is here, Nico didn’t tell him he’d go to Harvard, didn’t trust him anymore- fuck.

Lewis is not an idiot, he knows they won’t stop being competitive, their rivalry far from over and he bites his lips, desperation flowing trough him, throat tightening. He loves Nico so much, he’s his biggest competition here and he wants nothing more than to beat him.

And to spend the rest of his life with him.

My god, he’s so fucked.

**DECEMBER 2007 - HARVARD UNIVERSITY, USA**

Their rivalry is even worse than it was in Oxford and everyone can see it. Lewis is working his ass off, never having studied more, and Nico and he are in a constant battle for the best grades, rarely even talking to each other.

They know that after this they could basically work everywhere in the world, every law firm taking them in without any questions and they fight, hard and bitter. Lewis hates it, hates that from all the people he has to beat it’s Nico and if someone had asked him if he’s happy at Harvard, he would be lying if he said yes.

He’s not happy, not really, having Nico so close again fucks with his mind and heart and he tries his best to avoid him. They have both their own way of dealing with it: Lewis spends every waking hour in the library and Nico goes partying. And still manages to write excellent grades and Lewis hates him so much for it.

The mood between them is icy at best, ignoring each other most of the time and Lewis misses him so much. Nico always understood him better than anyone and it happens more than once that he catches himself nearly crying in the library, wishing Nico and he would still talk and he could just ask him for his opinion on something.

But those times are gone and he gets used to the numb, heavy feeling in his stomach, killing off everything else. He’s coping, he’s writing good grades and that’s all that matters.

Until one evening Nico is standing in front of his door, wet from the rain and Lewis just stares at him, actually considering closing the door again. Against better judgment, the lets him in and then Nico presses him against the wall, kissing him desperately like he’s the only thing that’s keeping him alive and Lewis pulls him closer, clinging on to him.

They don’t exchange a single word when Nico opens him up, rough and hectic, not as carefully as he always did and Lewis bites back a whimper, supporting himself against the wall, fingernails pressing in his palm.

He missed him so much, missed this so much, having him so close again is intoxicating, he doesn’t know how to cope and when Nico pulls his fingers out, way earlier than he normally would, Lewis is worried for a second that he bails out on him now.

But then he feels the tip of Nico’s cock against his ass and before he realizes it completely, Nico pushes fully into him. Lewis manages just in time to hold back a scream, biting down on his arm when Nico starts moving immediately, not giving him any time to get used to him.

He can feel the aggression in his movements, the hate and he pushes his ass up more, desperately offering himself more - he’s so pathetic but he’d give Nico absolutely everything. Especially right now.

It’s just been half a year but it feels so much longer and Lewis missed nothing more than the feeling of Nico inside of him. Missed nothing more than Nico claiming him, ruining him and he moans when Nico fucks him, hard and rough, his grip around his hips so tight that Lewis knows he’ll leave bruises and he holds back the tears.

It hurts but it’s exactly what he needs, he just wants to feel again and he screams when Nico hits his prostate repeatedly. He’s not begging and he doesn’t have to, Nico’s grip around his cock hard and borderline painful but he gets him off while slamming into him.

There’s nothing soft between them, nothing gentle or caring, nothing loving and when Lewis comes, spilling all over himself and Nico’s hand, he’s breathing hard, Nico still fucking him mercilessly. It hurts by now, Lewis knows he won’t be able to sit for days but he also doesn’t care, wanting to drag this out forever. Wanting to keep Nico this close for as long as possible, not ready to let him go.

When Nico comes he bites down on Lewis’s shoulder, hard and Lewis winces, whimpering but staying quiet otherwise, more tears finding their way into his eyes and when Nico pulls out, withdrawing, he has never felt colder.

He doesn’t move, still trying to catch his breath, waiting for- yeah for what? That Nico pulls him in his arms? Some after cuddles? Just general aftercare? For something? But nothing happens and when he hears the door fall closed, Nico being gone, he can’t hold back the tears.

Lewis slides down on the wall, ignoring his sore ass, crying and burying his face in his hands, hugging his knees. They haven’t exchanged a single word, both of them being in completely different worlds and Lewis has never felt more used in his life. Has never felt more worthless. 

He cries and cries, letting it all out, nails digging in the palm of his hand and he tries to forget. But it’s impossible to forget Nico Rosberg, not just because his scent still lingers in his room. It’s because Lewis carelessly gave him his heart all those years ago with the hope Nico would keep it safe and take good care of it but-

All Nico did was repeatedly twist the knife in it while keeping his heart and Lewis shakes his head, hating himself for being so stupid. He’s such an idiot, he shouldn’t have agreed to this, this just made it so much worse and knowing that this was probably really the last time he got to have Nico so close- his heart breaks and he wishes he’d never met Nico.

Never met this absolutely beautiful boy with that charming smile who could talk everyone into basically anything. That fucking Prince Charming who is actually such a huge dork, randomly spitting out some Star Wars facts and playing PlayStation with him, cursing in German, Spanish and Italian when losing.

Nico who has such a kind heart, who loves cuddles more than anything and who’s blue eyes always sparkle when he gets excited over something. Nico, who knows about Lewis's biggest hopes and fears and never judged him for it. Never laughed about him.

Nico, who never cared much about Lewis’s background and just accepted him the way he is. 

Nico, who had always been so gentle with him, looking out for him, making sure he’s okay and comfortable. Nico, who got him vegetarian food in the middle of the night because Lewis had been crying over some essay, done and ready to quit Law School.

Nico, who is the biggest Drama Queen there is when he’s sick, whining and complaining 24/7. Nico, who was and will always be his biggest rival but who has also always been his strongest supporter.

Nico, who was, is, and will always be, the love of his life.

Nico, who promised him they’d do it together.

Lewis is still crying, not able to think clearly, lost in the depths of his mind and their memories. He prays that the next few months until graduation pass quickly, that Nico and he won’t see each other again and then he will hopefully be free.

My god, what have they become?

**JULY 2010 - LONDON**

They don’t see each other much after they both graduate with summa cum laude from Harvard, Nico apparently moved to Monaco while Lewis goes back to the UK, working at a prestigious law firm in London.

He’s happy there, he really is but something is missing from his life - or rather someone - and he knows exactly who it is. He knows it every morning when he wakes up and his first thought is about Nico. When he goes for lunch and decides to get pizza. When he gives a guest lecture at Oxford and the memories of how Nico and he were happy here all those years ago threaten to overwhelm him, nearly making him break down crying in the middle of campus. When he works on cases when he’s in court and all he can think about is Nico.

He still manages to do his job - and he’s good at it - but he’s missing Nico so much it hurts. He’s not used to not having him around all the time and his life feels empty, grey. Wrong. Incomplete. 

It’s been 6 years since that one night in Greece and to say Lewis is okay would be the biggest lie of the century. 

He catches himself one Friday evening reaching for his phone, scrolling through his contacts until he finds Nico’s number and his thumb hovering over the green Call button. He’s alone, it’s raining outside and he swallows thickly, staring at his phone screen.

He googled Nico’s number, getting it from the website of his law firm, saving it in his phone even though he doesn’t know why he’d ever need it - not that they’re on speaking terms. He tells himself that it’s for business reasons only, that you never know - ignoring the fact that they both focused on completely different aspects of Law.

It’s been over two years that he heard his voice and Lewis doesn’t know why he tortures himself like that, still staring at his phone while the rain is drumming against the window. It’s not like he can just call and ask him if they wanna go for a coffee, their history is way too complicated for that.

No, if he ever should call Nico he needs a good fucking reason for that and he freezes when he accidentally presses Call. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck-

“ _Hallo_?” Oh my god. Lewis’s throat tightens, staring at his phone- he didn’t think he’d actually pick up. Hearing his voice again brings back a new wave of emotions and memories and he squeezes his eyes shut before ending the call, throwing his phone on the carpet.

Nico’s ‘ _Hallo_ ’ still echoes in his head and he shivers, not being able to hold back the tears. He misses him so much it’s eating up him alive, starting at his heart and then gnawing through the rest of his body and Lewis has never felt more desperate.

Maybe they’ll meet again when they’re older and wiser when the time’s right and the universe has a proper plan for them this time. But Lewis doubts it, he still thinks Harvard had been their second chance and they fucked it up completely.

It’s ironic: Law School was the best thing that ever happened to him, giving him Nico but it also destroyed their friendship. Their relationship.

Lewis had always thought that if it’s real love- if it’s meant to be- it will always find a way. That love will always conquer everything, no matter what. My god, he had been so fucking naive.

**FEBRUARY 2022 - SOMEWHERE OVER THE INDIAN OCEAN**

Lewis can’t hold back the tears anymore, hand gripping the thin blanket he got before and he lets out a sob, glad that it’s night and everyone else is sleeping.

He’s in a plane in over 40,000 feet, somewhere over the Indian Ocean, in the middle of the night, his heart breaking all over again at the memories and he has never wished more for Nico to be here.

It was never meant to be and he’ll never get over it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you don't know the "Mamma Mia" version of S.O.S. you should definitely listen to it right now because Pierce Brosnan and Meryl Streep are killing it friends 
> 
> 💛💛💛💛💛💛


	5. Chapter 5

**AUGUST 2026 - MONACO**

“Roscoe, please, for the love of God, stop chewing on my pillows.” Lewis sighs deeply, saving his sofa cushions before pressing a soft kiss on Roscoe’s head. “They’re not tasty.”

Roscoe makes a sad huff and Lewis's heart melts, kissing his dog’s head again before checking for Coco. She’s happily sleeping on a big pillow by the window, snoring and he smiles, pulling Roscoe on his lap.

“You good, buddy?”, he asks while stroking the soft fur and Roscoe growls lowly, happily laying his head on his lap. Lewis got them a few weeks ago from an animal shelter, it wasn’t really planned but after Dan assured him that they can always take the dogs with them when they travel he didn’t hesitate any longer and brought them home.

And they’re the best thing that ever happened to him since- since Nico.

They help him cope with the loneliness a little and Leo absolutely loves them, cuddling them every time he brings them for Babysitting. Mara is still a bit cautious but she’s growing on them and Lewis gently pushes Roscoe from his lap.

“I’m going to the gym but we can go for a walk later, yeah?” Roscoe ignores him, drooling on the sofa and Lewis can’t help but smile, snapping a quick picture before grabbing his sports bag. On his way out he gets a notification from Instagram that Hulk tagged him in a post and Lewis frowns, opening the app.

  


“That fucker”, he mumbles, not being able to hide his grin though - he met with Hulk and Kevin for lunch yesterday and it had been nice even though he felt a little like the third wheel. But he’s happy for Hulk and he steps out of his flat, walking the short distance to his gym.

He’s okay, most of the time. Nico is still in his life and their relationship is still so fucking weird, mostly having awkward conversations when they meet for coffee sometimes but it’s better than nothing even though Lewis really misses him. A lot.

Misses their closeness, their trust, the blind understanding they had when they first met over 23 years ago. 

Against whatever Hulk might think, they didn’t sleep with each other - neither on the wedding nor another time. But it still hurts, the distance between them hurts and Lewis pushes the door to his gym open. He learned to live with it even though it’s painful but there’s nothing he can do.

They’re so different than to all those years ago, so different to over 23 years ago when he met Nico for the first time, a teenager and no idea what he wanted from life and Lewis sighs. It wasn’t meant to be and he’d love to say that he learned to live with it, move on and find someone new but- he didn’t.

Nico stays the only person he ever kissed, the only person he ever slept with and yeah, he’s really _that_ pathetic. Nico probably had hundreds of partners after him and Lewis doesn’t even want to think about that, his stomach aching when he imagines Nico with someone else. Someone else kissing those soft lips, smiling at Nico and getting to touch every part of his body.

Someone else waking up to Nico making breakfast in the kitchen, kissing them Good Morning. Someone else who shares their life with him. 

Getting to spend their life with him.

Not that he ever got to spend his life with Nico or got Good Morning kisses or Nico making him breakfast. Nico had never been his and he had apparently never been Nico’s.

He goes on the treadmill to warm himself up before doing his workout and it helps him to clear his mind and focus a little. Life is good and missing Nico a dull pain in the back of his head, constant and always there, ready to break open again but Lewis learned to live with that.

He’s okay.

He goes boxing after that, throwing punch after punch before he showers and when he’s on his way out again, it’s past lunchtime and he feels an inner peace, breathing in deeply and enjoying the warm sun on his face.

He grabs some falafel on his way home, eating it on the harbour and checks his phone, smiling when he sees Dan’s Instagram post.

Leo has grown up so much, causing chaos whenever he goes with his 4 years, always happy and making people fall in love with him and Lewis loves him so much. He has never met a happier child (he’s not surprised with Daniel Ricciardo as a father though) and he likes the picture before he keeps walking, putting his phone back in the pocket of his jeans.

He sometimes can’t believe Dan is already a father of a four and one-year-old and before he knows it his mind wanders back to when they first met.

**JULY 2011 - SILVERSTONE, UK**

Silverstone is absolute madness and Lewis still can’t believe he gets to experience it. Still can’t believe Jenson talked him into getting VIP tickets, spending a weekend together at the track but he has to admit that it had been a pretty cool idea and exactly what he needed after a few stressful weeks at work.

That was until Jenson ditched him in the middle of the crowd because he spotted Fernando Alonso somewhere and Lewis- look, he knows his friend is a huge fan of that Spanish driver. But that’s no reason to leave him all alone and Lewis sighs, wandering through the paddock and trying not to feel too weird.

Most people are in groups, the people alone are either journalists or photographers and he leans against some wall, wishing he’d have at least thought about getting something to drink as the sun is burning down on him.

He rubs his eyes, he’s so tired and even though that weekend had been amazing and he’s looking forward to the race: he’s glad when he’s back in his bed, catching some sleep. He feels stuck in London, stuck in his routine and his colleagues- look, they’re okay. They’re decent lads but Lewis doesn’t need five different people commenting on his vegan diet every day, thank you very much.

And he misses Nico but that’s nothing new and Lewis sighs, pushing himself off the wall. He heard from some colleagues that Nico is apparently dating some model called Vivian now and after having two mental breakdowns about it later that day, he’s- no he’s not okay. But he’s stable and he runs a hand through his short hair before stepping back into the paddock. Fuck Jenson, he can already go to their seats and wait there for him, no need to stand here all alone.

Well, that had been the plan.

Someone crashes into him, and Lewis stumbles, already seeing himself meet the floor face front. “What the-“ 

“Mate, I’m SO sorry!”, he hears a voice with a strong Australian accent behind him, catching him just in time and Lewis turns around, frowning.

The man - or boy, he doesn’t look older than 20 - in front of him gives him a sheepish grin, letting go of him again and Lewis blinks. The guy is tall, lanky, has dark curls and a broad smile on his face and he clears his throat.

“Eh, it’s fine. Didn’t see you either”, he says and the guy’s smile widens - Lewis didn’t think that would be possible. He looks so happy, radiating with positive energy, what- 

“Cheers, mate. I’m Daniel but Dan is fine.” He offers him his hand and Lewis takes it, a bit overwhelmed. 

“Lewis”, he says slowly and Dan grins.

“You’re a journalist?”, he asks while they’re walking through the paddock, Lewis doesn’t even know why he follows him - maybe because he did feel a bit lonely without Jenson after all and Dan seems like a nice guy.

“No, but my friend ditched me for Fernando Alonso.” Lewis pulls a face and Dan starts laughing, so carefree that Lewis actually envies him a little. But he feels oddly comfortable around him, Dan’s positive attitude soothing his soul and Dan runs a hand through his hair. “Understandable to be honest. Even though I’d have gone for Kimi Raikkonen.”

“Kimi is a legend”, Lewis agrees and Dan’s face lights up. 

“I already like you, mate. I’m so glad he only went rallying for a year before coming back, the grid is not the same without him.” Dan sighs dramatically and Lewis grins, them chatting about Formula 1 for a bit while heading towards the stands.

“Are _you_ a journalist?”, Lewis asks when they’re sitting down and there’s still no sight of Jenson but Dan shakes his head. 

“I’m a YouTuber”, he explains, blushing a little. “Traveling around the world and going to a few F1 races when I get access. This is my first time in Silverstone actually.”

His eyes are shining with excitement and Lewis only notices now the small camera in his lap. 

“And that’s your job?” Lewis stares at him incredulously and Dan laughs. “Partly. Like I worked in a restaurant before but I always wanted to travel the world and I love Formula 1. Did videos in which I analyze the races and people liked it so yeah. I’m at 500.000 subscribers at the moment.”

He sounds proud and Lewis raises his eyebrows impressed. “That sounds pretty cool. And you actually earn money with that?” 

“Well, that’s the dream. My parents still support me a little but it pays okay for now.” Dan laughs, sounding so carefree again and Lewis- he’s fascinated. He’s never met such a happy person and he catches himself envying Dan a little.

They keep talking during the whole race, Jenson still nowhere to be seen and after Alonso wins, Vettel and Webber getting P2 and P3 (“Vettel is also so fucking talented mate, I wish I could talk to him one day.” - Dan) Lewis is really done. And hungry.

“I don’t wanna keep you any longer”, he says to Dan, actually not really wanting to let him go. He really enjoyed that afternoon and he clears his throat. “Don’t wanna keep you from your friends.”

“Actually”, Dan gives him a crooked grin, “I’m all alone here. Australian in Europe and so on.” 

“Oh.” Lewis grins as well and when he stomach growls and Jenson is still gone- 

“You wanna go for dinner?”, Dan asks him, still grinning. “Not like a date - I mean you’re cute but I’m not into British guys.”

“Thanks”, Lewis replies dryly, actually speechless that Dan is so open about this topic. “I’m sorry I’m not a British woman?” 

“Nah, mate, I’m gay.” Dan grins and something in Lewis eases a little and he can’t hold back his grin anymore. “Comforting. So what’s your type then?”

“Nice smile. Stubborn. An accent would be cute but it just has to click I guess.” Dan shrugs and Lewis shakes his head amused. “Okay. But-“ 

He hesitates, nervously licking his lips.

“I’m vegan”, he says slowly, not sure if Dan is going to laugh at him now like his work colleagues. “Would that be a problem for you?”

“Never tried it, I’m down.” Dan grins relaxed, lazily running a hand through his hair and checking his phone. “You know a place?” 

“Yeah.” Lewis can feel the tension leave his body and he sends Jenson a quick message that he’s leaving before following Dan.

They end in a cute little restaurant half an hour away from the track and they talk more during dinner, Dan telling him about his travels and himself. He’s 22, from Perth with a passion for Formula 1, cars and travelling since he was a child and Lewis loves it. It’s not the first time he realizes that he’s not really happy in London.

He loves the city without question but he feels stuck at his job, his colleagues annoy him and Nico- fuck. He misses him so much but it seems a little easier with Dan, his positive energy soothing the pain a little and distracting him.

“So you’re a lawyer?”, Dan asks while they’re getting a second round of drinks and Lewis nods. “Yep.” 

“Nice, man. What’s your field?” Dan gives him an interested look and Lewis sighs, massaging his temples. “Working in a law firm in London, focused on environmental issues and climate change.” 

He hesitates before he gives Dan a long look, chewing on his bottom lip.

“I really thought I could change the world when I was still at Oxford, you know? I thought I could make a difference in the world. But all I’m doing right now is reach some out-of-court settlements with big companies. And no one seems to really care.” He sighs and Dan stares at him with wide eyes. “You went to Oxford?!”

“Yeah and Harvard.” Lewis shrugs and Dan shakes his head incredulously. “Damn, Lewis, you’re smart.” 

He’s not, Nico has always been smarter and- okay, wrong trail of thoughts and Lewis swallows. 

“You don’t need a lawyer by any chance?”, he asks dryly and Dan blinks. “You serious, mate?”

“Yeah.” Lewis’s heart starts beating faster, what is he _doing_ , this is insane- 

“I could also, I don’t know, manage your social media and all that stuff.” He’s sounding desperate now but Dan doesn’t seem to notice, only still staring at him, speechless.

“Mate- I’d love to hire you but I doubt I could pay you.” Dan shakes his head, completely overwhelmed. “You’re way too overqualified to work for me.” 

“I don’t care about the money, really. And I’d love to work for you.” Lewis bites his lip and Dan is still staring at him as if he’d gone insane.

Hell, Lewis himself isn’t sure - he’s ready to give up a _really_ well-paid job in one of London’s best law firms for- yeah for what? For some guy from Australia who does videos about Formula 1, a guy he met mere hours ago and could lose interest in all of that in just a few months?

Apparently.

“Alrighty”, Dan says then, a small smile playing around his lips. “I have no idea how this works but I guess you’re hired. Welcome to Team Daniel Ricciardo, Mister- fuck man, I just hired you and I don’t even know your last name.” 

He bursts out laughing and Lewis grins. “Hamilton.”

“Peachy. Well, Lewis Hamilton, guess you’re stuck with me now. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

**AUGUST 2026 - MONACO**

It’s still one of Lewis’s favourite memories, him quitting at the law firm right the next day and never looking back - and not once regretting his choice. Meeting Dan that day had been the best thing that could’ve happened to him (next to Nico but- fuck it hurts) and he smiles, making his way back home.

And then he checks his phone and he freezes dead in his tracks in the middle of the sidewalk, heart beating in his throat and he can feel himself get cold.

_What._ He’s not ready for that, he doesn’t want to talk about what happened, he- he doubts he’ll ever be ready for it. He feels like someone just poured a bucket of ice water over his head, he’s shaking, feeling slightly sick and he doesn’t know what to do.

Why does Nico want to talk suddenly? Does he- is he leaving his life again? Lewis isn’t sure if he’d survive that a third time.

Right. Lewis swallows dryly and before he can think about it he types an answer.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. His whole peaceful mood is gone and he nearly runs home, spending the rest of the afternoon cleaning his flat and trying to calm his racing mind.

When cleaning doesn’t work he switches to cooking, making some Veggie Curry with a Coconut Peanut Sauce for dinner - just something easy that helps him take his mind off.

He’s not ready for this conversation. Not ready to open old wounds and he’s tempted to eat the whole curry at once out of stress and frustration. He doesn’t, saving some for Nico and himself later before feeding the dogs and then all he can do is wait.

He’s a nervous mess by the time it’s seven and he doesn’t dare to hope. Not anymore, not after 23 years of being hopelessly in love with Nico and when the doorbell rings he flinches, grip around his phone tightening.

If it all goes wrong he can still crash at Dan’s and Max’s place and cuddle with Leo and Mara. He’s going to be fine, went through so much worse with Nico-

He opens the door and they stare at each for a moment, Nico looking like he comes directly from his office and Lewis needs a moment to catch his breath, clearing his throat and stepping aside.

“Hey”, he mumbles, avoiding Nico’s eyes, heart beating in his chest. 

“Hey”, he hears Nico answer, coming in and Lewis closes the door, taking a deep breath. Nico is so close, he’s in his flat-

And then Roscoe and Coco storm towards them, barking and excitedly licking Nico’s hands and Lewis blinks, speechless. These traitors, what-

“Hey, hey, buddy.” Nico laughs while going down on his knees, somehow trying to stop Roscoe from licking his face while petting Coco, looking a bit overwhelmed and Lewis is still staring at the scene in front of him.

Seeing Nico laugh, still scrunching his nose slightly like he always did, the two dogs in his arms, in his home- it _hurts_ and he swallows the lump in his throat.

“Eh- that are-“ 

“Roscoe and Coco, I know”, Nico interrupts him, blushing when he sees Lewis’s raised eyebrows. 

“I saw on your Instagram”, he mumbles and Lewis nods slowly, trying to comprehend the situation. “Right. You, eh, want something to drink?”

“Yeah, sure.” Nico gets up, Roscoe and Coco following them to the kitchen, and Lewis unconsciously reaches for the still water - Nico has never liked sparkling water and he doesn’t see the sad smile Nico gives him when he notices.

“So, eh. You. You wanted to talk”, Lewis says while sliding on the chair across from him and Nico swallows, nodding slowly. “Yeah. About...us.” 

It’s dead silent between them and Lewis feels like crying already. 

“Okay”, he manages to say, wishing he’d have something to hold on to.

Maybe a clear cut is the best for both of them. Maybe it will help them both to move on even though deep down Lewis knows he’s lying to himself. He’ll never be able to move on from Nico. 

They stare at each other, tension thick between them and Lewis closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. This is so pointless, they should just let the past be, there’s no use-

“Lewis, I can’t live without you.” Nico’s voice sounds pained and his eyes fly open, staring at Nico, speechless. What?! He’s still trying to comprehend what he just said when Nico keeps talking.

“I love you and I can’t live without you and I-“ He stops, tears in his eyes and Lewis feels like he’s hallucinating. What is going on, what- 

“I don’t know how to start this because so much went wrong and we- I’ve never been good at talking but I love you and I never said it because I was a fucking idiot but it kills me knowing what we could’ve had and-“

Nico stops, voice thick with tears and Lewis is shaking, heart hammering against his ribs. 

“Nico-“ He doesn’t know what to say, too many things on his mind and he takes Nico’s hand, squeezing it. 

“You’re the love of my life”, he says with a hoarse voice, tears in his eyes and Nico swallows hard.

“I am so sorry”, he whispers before he gets up and before Lewis realizes it, Nico is hugging him, holding him close and they both break down. 

“I’m so, so sorry”, Nico mumbles again and Lewis clings on to him, burying his face in his expensive shirt, crying and just letting it all out. Nico is crying as well, holding him close, hot tears falling on Lewis’s neck and they stay like this for what feels like forever, just holding each other, crying and letting everything, that has built up in the last 23 years, out.

“I love you so fucking much”, Lewis says with a hoarse voice, not giving a fuck anymore and he pulls Nico to the sofa, not once letting go of him. “So much it hurts.” 

“I love you too”, Nico answers with a broken voice and Lewis sobs, his mind not realizing the words yet. It can’t be that easy, how-

“I’m so sorry I never said it”, he hiccups and Nico shakes his head, tears glistening in his blue eyes. 

“I also never said a thing because I was so fucking stupid”, he mumbles, pulling Lewis even closer. “We wasted so much time.”

A lump forms in Lewis’s throat at those words and before he can think about it any longer he pulls Nico in a desperate kiss. He puts all his love and pain and hurt and desperation in it, pressing his lips against Nico’s and when he feels Nico returning the kiss, more tears are falling from his eyes.

They kiss until their lips are red and swollen and Lewis cries even more at how familiar it all feels. How Nico’s lips still feel the same, so perfect and right on his and he wants nothing more than to sleep with him right here and then. But he also knows they need to talk and when they break apart after hours of making out, Nico still holding him close, Lewis clears his throat.

“I was in love with you since the first day we met”, he says, his voice wavering slightly but there’s no way back now. They need to be honest about this and that conversation is 20 years overdue. “And I never stopped.”

Nico’s grip around him tightens and he kisses Lewis again, gentle, soft, looking at him like he’s the most precious thing in the world. 

“Lewis...it’s been 23 years since I met you for the first time. And there hasn’t been a single day where I haven’t thought about you.” Nico‘s voice sounds broken and he leans their foreheads together, nothing but pain in his eyes. “I’m so sorry for everything I did, everything I said. So sorry for hurting you.” 

“I’m sorry too”, Lewis whispers, swallowing hard. “Losing you was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced.” 

“Same”, Nico says quietly, his hand threading through Lewis’s hair. “You- you are the love of my life.”

The words still sound so unreal but they make Lewis all warm and fuzzy inside and he smiles weakly, leaning his head against Nico’s chest, breathing in his familiar scent.

“Did you...date anyone? In those last years?” He nearly doesn’t dare to ask but the Vivian-rumors are still present in his mind and he has never felt more relieved than when Nico shakes his head. 

“Nope. No one was good enough.” _‘No one was you.’_ He doesn’t say the last part but he doesn’t have to, Lewis knows anyway and he curls up closer to Nico, tears still in his eyes.

He takes a deep breath, the distance between them still there but it’s fading, breaking down and he’s able to catch glimpses of the Nico he knew all those years ago.

“I need to know though”, he starts quietly, his grip around Nico’s arms tightening involuntarily. “Did you ever- did you ever sleep with someone else while we were- you know-” “No”, Nico interrupts him and Lewis feels like a whole mountain has been lifted from his shoulders, breathing so much easier suddenly. “Me neither”, he mumbles before Nico can ask and from the corner of his eyes he can see Nico smile. 

His heart has calmed down, he feels oddly at peace, his breathing evening out and tension leaving his body. Nico is here, Nico loves him, they are talking-

“You... I want to get to know you, Lewis. Again.” Lewis looks up at Nico’s voice and he gives him a small smile. “You do?” 

“I don’t know if you’ve listened to me in the last 10 minutes baby but you’re the love of my life. And I’d like to spend the rest of my life with you - we already wasted so much time”, Nico says and Lewis’s smile widens, linking their hands together once more.

“I’d love that”, he whispers and Nico’s smile could illuminate the whole room. “Let’s leave what happened in the past and create something new.” 

“Please”, Nico mumbles and for a second he looks so vulnerable that Lewis wants nothing more than to hold him. “The last 18 years have been hell. I wanted to call you so many times and when you did 5 years ago-“

He stops and clears his throat, shaking his head. “We should’ve talked so much sooner.” 

“We should’ve”, Lewis agrees. “But I was so scared.”

“Me too”, Nico confesses and they smile at each other, Lewis not believing that this is actually happening. That Nico had the balls to start talking and even though Lewis knows they’re far from perfect, that they still have a lot of talking to do- he doesn’t care right now.

They’re okay, they’re talking, he has Nico back and it feels so fucking good. His life feels complete again after all those years.

He doesn’t know how exactly they ended up in his bed but when he sees Nico all naked over him, straddling him, kissing him gently and basically worshipping his body, his throat tightens again, overwhelmed with emotions.

It’s such a contrast to the last time they fucked, all those years ago in his dorm room in Harvard and he moans loudly when Nico gently pushes his finger inside of him, preparing him carefully all while placing kisses all over his body.

“You’re so beautiful”, he whispers before kissing one of his tattoos and Lewis whines, pushing his hips up slightly, desperately wanting more, needing more. “Nico, please- I love you-“ 

“I love you too, baby”, Nico replies, voice thick with emotion while he fucks him lazily with his fingers. “So much.” 

Lewis just moans, hand reaching for his dick but Nico shakes his head, gently taking his hand away.

“Let me take care of that”, he says, hand wrapping around Lewis’s cock and giving it a few firm strokes. “In a moment, yeah?” 

He pulls his fingers back out again, Lewis whining and Nico gives him a soft smile before reaching for the condom. 

“Don’t”, Lewis whispers and Nico frowns. “What?” 

“You haven’t slept with anyone since- you know, right?” Lewis avoids his eyes and Nico stares at him for another second before he shakes his head. “You were the last one all the way back in 2007.”

“I want you without then”, Lewis says, ignoring the fact that they both apparently haven’t slept with anyone for nearly _19 years_. Nico looks at him for another moment before he smiles and he reaches for the lube instead. “Okay.”

He prepares himself before gently pushing inside him and the second Lewis winces, he stops, giving him time to catch his breath. 

“It’s alright, you’re doing so well”, he mumbles and Lewis relaxes, taking a deep breath. 

“Go on, please”, he says and Nico obeys, pushing until he’s fully inside of him.

Lewis needs a whole minute until he’s slowly getting used to the feeling again and when he nods, Nico starts slowly, fucking him with a steady rhythm and Lewis doesn’t need long until he’s a moaning mess, falling apart below Nico.

“I love you so much, you’re doing so well”, Nico says, grip tightening a little around his hips and Lewis moans when Nico reaches for his dick again, jerking him off and repeatedly hitting his prostate. “My perfect boy, you feel so good around me, you’re just perfect and I’ll never let you go again.”

“You promise?”, Lewis manages to choke out and Nico smiles, nodding. “I promise. Forever until the end, no?”

That, embarrassingly, does it for Lewis, he comes with a loud moan, spilling all over his stomach and the sheets and Nico comes soon after, both of them not really patient after not having slept with each other for nearly _19 years_.

Lewis still finds it a bit surreal and when Nico gently cleans him up with a wet towel from the bathroom he feels like crying again. 

“I missed you so much”, he mumbles sleepily when Nico climbs in bed next to him, pulling him into his arms and against his naked chest.

“I missed you too”, Nico whispers, kissing his temples and tightening his grip a little. “Every single day.” 

Lewis just smiles at that and for the first time in over 18 years, he sleeps through, letting himself fall and trust Nico completely.

When he wakes up the next morning Nico is still holding him, Lewis is still in his arms and he smiles, warmth and happiness flowing through his veins, hope carefully starting to blossom in his chest. Maybe this will work. Maybe they got a third chance from the universe to be happy and Lewis will be damned if he doesn’t take it.

He watches Nico sleep, eyes wandering over the rough stubble of his beard, the crinkles around his eyes, his defined body and his soft pink lips, blonde hair a mess. Even after all these years, he’s still so beautiful and Lewis is still so in love and he smiles, putting his head back on Nico’s chest.

He’s here, they’re okay.

They spend the morning in bed, cuddling before they get into the kitchen, Lewis just wearing a Onesie while Nico didn’t even bother looking for clothes, just putting one of Lewis’s T-Shirts over his head and Lewis has to admit he loves seeing Nico wear his clothes.

Nico starts preparing breakfast (“Vegan, baby, I know”) while Lewis feeds the dogs and when they’re sitting on his kitchen table, windows open, letting the cold morning air in, the sun coming through the windows and illuminating the whole room, falling on Nico’s face, all Lewis can think how fucking pretty he is. And how fucking blessed he is, having a morning like this with Nico after all the shit they went through.

“You know, we should ask Max if we can borrow his PlayStation”, Lewis says suddenly while eating some fruits and Nico grins. “Why?” 

“Well”, Lewis smirks, taking a sip from his coffee, “we said we would still play video games together when we’re successful lawyers. We are successful lawyers.”

“True.” Nico laughs, eyes crinkling and Lewis is so in love. 

“If you want to lose again”, Nico then adds and Lewis stares at him incredulously. “Excuse you? I am better.” 

“Nah you’re not.” 

“Yes, I am.” 

“No.” They grin at each other, their former rivalry nothing but a bad memory in the back of their heads and Lewis is nothing but happy. It feels easy, it feels right and he can’t believe that this is actually his reality now.

“So how’s working for Dan?”, Nico asks while taking a bite from his toast and Lewis shrugs, stirring in his coffee. 

“Honestly? The best job in the world. I get to travel and go to F1 races, am with my friends and it’s just. Relaxed. Not something I’d have thought end up doing when we were still in Law School”, he gives him a crooked grin while Nico takes his hand, “but it’s perfect.”

“It sounds really nice.” Nico is staring out of the window, deep in thoughts and Lewis frowns. “Nico...are you happy in your job?” 

“You mean trying to get rich people out of tax affairs?” Nico pulls a face and sighs, looking tired suddenly. “Honestly, no. It’s not even about the money, you know, it has never been but it’s just so pointless and boring?”

Lewis definitely knows how he feels and he hesitates, an idea forming in his head.

“I think Dan could need a lawyer, you know, being married and having two kids...”, he starts, a joking undertone in his voice but his eyes are earnest and Nico stares at him. “Are you serious?” 

“I mean, I’m sure it’s not what you would’ve expected after we both graduated from Oxford and Harvard, but...”

He would’ve Nico close and not just see him when they’re in Monaco. He’d get to travel the world with Nico by his side and that thought makes him nearly tear up again. 

“And Hulk being with Kevin, it’s such an explosive mix, both of them swear so much on social media and Max lately went on a rant about Donald Trump and his father on his stream and I had to make sure he’s not getting in trouble...” He doesn’t know why he keeps talking but Nico grins, squeezing his hand.

“I’d love to work for Dan. And Max. Or Max. Whatever”, he then says, a small smile around his lips. “There are more important things in the world than saving rich people from jail because they committed tax evasion. Saving our friend’s from trouble for example.”

“My god I love you.” That slips out before Lewis can think about it and Nico laughs, blue eyes sparkling with amusement. “I love you too. Wait.” 

He pulls his phone from his pocket, quickly typing before putting it away again and Lewis frowns. “What did you do?” 

“I quit”, Nico says simply and Lewis stares at him. “Excuse you?”

“Lewis, I’m serious, I want- I want to start a new life with you. With you and apparently also Dan, Max, Hulk and whoever else will need our help. I want to get to know you again, I’m done wasting any more time and I wasn’t really happy in my job anymore anyway.” He shrugs and Lewis swallows hard, leaning over the table to press a soft kiss on his lips.

“You truly are something else”, he whispers and Nico grins. “I know.” 

“You do know they’re going to hate you for quitting like that?” 

“Have I ever cared about that?” Nico raises his eyebrows and Lewis can’t hold back a grin. “No, because you’re an asshole.”

“Love you too.” Nico laughs, kissing him again and Lewis smiles against his lips, his heart overflowing with love for the man in front of him. They actually- they’re actually _happy_. It feels so easy suddenly, so much more carefree and he pulls Nico closer, cupping his face in his hand.

He knows they still have a lot of work ahead of them, a lot to talk about, lots of unpleasant conversations but for the first time in over 20 years, Lewis is not afraid. Knows they'll make it work somehow. 

He looks into those blue eyes he loves so much and smiles, calmness and certainty spreading through him, hope making him feel light and carefree for the first time in years. 

“Forever until the end.”

Real love conquers all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys OF COURSE they get a happy end I'm a sucker for happy ends and it's what they deserve after all the pain I put them through 
> 
> this was fun, thank you so much again @ Kai and Sam for helping me out with this, you two are truly the best 💛 and I feel so blessed to have you in my life 
> 
> also thank you to all of you so so much for loving and supporting this story and universe 💛 it means the world to me
> 
> I am working on 4 different things at the moment so I guess I'll post something new on Monday and until then just thank you all so much 💛
> 
> feel free to shout at me on tumblr or just talk with me about my fics or anything else and don't forget to wash your hands, stay home and stay safe 💛
> 
> 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

**Author's Note:**

> you can follow me on tumblr @ [verstappened](https://verstappened.tumblr.com/) 💛
> 
> Kudos and comments are very appreciated thanksss 💛


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